I see this mid sized hairy spider on the wall. I’m like “you know you dun fucked up right? now you know you dun fucked up?” I aim my AK shower head at it, and right before the water hit it, it jumped off the wall, and at me. why did I do the chicken dance like Mayweather hit me with a stiff left jab, then did the dougie (if you’re under 30 just google it), and I may or may not have let out a homer simpson scream. son of a bi…..and I don’t think it went in the drain, so this bastard is still in the house, and now vengeful. FUCK.
Every so often the chinese will present a new burger of some sort at one of their fast food chains (McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC), think McRib or some other new ‘limited time only’ specials in the U.S. Now, in the U.S, usually the new limited time only specials are something epic, I mean think about how popular the McRib is, they’ve made a damn Simpson episode about it. Well, that just isn’t the case in china, 10 out of 10 their new burgers or specials are something utterly terrible. I feel as though I’m being trolled or someone just sat in a meeting room thought long and hard about the most random and most disgusting burger they can come up with, because I think, to them, that is what we westerners eat, random combination of ingredients. I don’t think they realize there’s a science to it, actual flavors that have been proven to mesh via decades if not centuries of trial and error.
I see a new burger at Burger King, but every year I forget not to try any new burgers and to stick to the regular stuff like a chicken burger made with confetti lettuce (it probably is made out of paper for all I know), but you get sick of the stuff and sometimes you see something new and because back home you’re programmed to assume the ‘limited time only special’ will be good, you try it. The burger, with what looks like a thick chicken patty, thick cheddar cheese and some sauces looked quite good in the picture, couldn’t read it, just assumed that’s what it was and that it would taste great —WRONG—WRONG. The thick chicken patty was a very small thin layer of fish, the thick cheddar cheese were thick slices of mango, and the sauces were what appeared to be shredded shrimp and ketchup. ABSOLUTELY FOUL. Now at this point my taste buds are confused and my brain is sending a signal of anger. How? Why? Who? I ask my gf if mango and fish are a common combination in china…she says no. THEN WHY, WHY DOES THIS BURGER HAVE IT? I swear, they are just fucking around and trolling at this point. This doesn’t make sense. This is about as dumb as the time I went to the “Burrito” spot and the guy gave me tacos that had slices of almonds in it, and a burrito that had corn, egg plants and I think apricot (I’m not kidding), or the time I went to a fish and chips place and she used soy sauce instead of tartar. This is an abomination! No one taught them to do this, they are just making stuff up, mixing them in dishes for absolutely no reason.
This is why I can’t wait to go home in 2 months. It’s been a little over 2 years since I’ve been home. I am hungry, starving, losing weight, I just want something that taste normal. Is that so hard? Is a beef patty with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles and onions that difficult? Is a burrito with carne asada, salsa and cilantro too much to ask? If these lazy ass foreigners aren’t going to open any new restaurants out here (excluding italians), I may just have too, seriously this makes no sense.